The student will be introduced to the world of drunkenness and ultimately death in this 24/7 course. Student should also be enrolled in METH 101 and OXYCONTIN 101 to achieve the full impact of this course. Student must also be on a Liver Transplant list before the course opens, have a suitable bail bondsman and mortician on call.
With plenty of class participation, the student will learn of the conduct that is associated with alcoholism and how to be the perfect drunk.
1. Learn to lie to friends and family as you seek out liquor and funds to support your habit. (Depending on your age, you might be able to find a consenting adult) Don’t forget to drop out of school. After all, you know everything in spite of the fact you don’t have any brain cells.
2. Learn the art of vomiting, wow your friends with ejecta pukes, and decorate the inside of your home or car. Make a public spectacle of yourself and heave your lunch at a banquet or other public gathering. Show people that you are a drunk and proud of it.
3. Learn to steal to support your habit. Betray friends and loved ones while you seek out your destruction. Drive drunk and kill innocent people and wreck friends and families cars in the process. Maybe kill your best friend or family member.
4. Learn abusive behavior and take up boxing so you and your future spouse can duke it out over nothing or money issues since you spend all your cash on booze. Alcoholism is family oriented as well so abuse you kids too. Teach them to be just like you. Be the perfect example of inebriation. Show them how to hit mommy or daddy. Pass it down to the next generation.
5. Learn the art of philandering and cheat on your spouse. Possibly you’ll contract an incurable disease and you can pollute your spouse with syphilis, herpes, gonorrhea, and a host of STD’s while having an incurably fun time. Nothing like an puss filled open sore to start conversation with. Remember, “A Zoster A Day Keeps The Doctor Away” and most people. ew ew ew……….
6. Learn the art of “Early Parenting” and enjoy the joys of a foreshortened youth, the lack of education and parenting skills. Explore the gold in Social Services; live on welfare and other indigent programs. Have nothing in your life other than shut off notices and endless phone calls from debtors, if you still have a phone. Have worthless friends who help spend your welfare check on beer and Doritos, maybe score a little “smack” and do the “wild thang”. Have your kids taken from you and placed in foster care.
7. Learn the art of persuasion as other drunks influence you and your life while you’re in a drunken stupor. Let them convince you to join a gang, become a henchman for a crime family, be a prostitute, become a drug dealer, live in underpasses, commit stupid crimes and random acts of violence. Possibly you can get an all expense paid trip to prison. Maybe you can be a love interest while incarcerated. Ah yes, “Springtime in San Quentin”, romance is in the air. And most important of all, learn how to select a shopping cart since this will be your mode of transportation for the rest of your life.
8. Then become a member of the “End Stage Club”. Experience dying first hand with cirrhosis as your liver shuts down and your body starves to death because there are no enzymes being produced that will digest food. What a kewl diet, all you do is waste away. You get this kewl yellow color and your eyes look psychodelic. Your breath smells like rotten eggs and your hair falls out, no need for a barber! Oh boy! Enjoy ascites and watch as your abdomen fills with fluid to the point you can’t breath and your heart fails. Possibly have the fliud drained and watch as beer colored juice spills out of your abdomen. Beer in, Beer out, just don’t drink it since it will smell rank. After all this is “The Dance Of Death” and you are going to die.
9. While dying of cirrhosis, you can watch as your friends and family struggle with your mortality. They will cry, they will rant, and they will question why you have to die. So what, you are the boss and you call the shots eh. It was your plan to die an early and horrific death all along, or did you know that part? So what if you won’t look good in a casket. You’ll be dead anyway. And to hell with all those morons who loved and cared for you. Have a Bud on me you schmucks!
There is a dark side to all this kids. If you do die, what will happen to all you’ve accomplished in life?
What will happen to your abused wife/husband and kids when you’re gone?
Will they get the mindless beatings and abuse they so deserved all these years?
Where will all the debtors send the shut off notices to?
Who will live in “Detox” part of the year when you are gone?
Who will take over the exhausted position of “Village Idiot” whence you’ve passed on.
And what about the poor liquor store salesman?
Hopefully, you are stewed to the gills by now and all these concerns mean nothing to you. Why? Because you’re a stinking drunk hell-bent on suicide and other forms of self-destruction. And as we all know, “If you don’t care for yourself, you surely don’t care for anyone else”.
Upon completion of this course, all students will have Hepatic Disorders beyond imagination and will most likely die within a few months of graduation.
So it’s “Last Call For Alcohol”
Drink’em while you got’em
Fore death is just around the corner.
Your Devil’s Advocate