|Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 6:17 am Post subject:|
|IS THIS PTSD MONTH OR WHAT? Hmmmm, I’ve discovered more masking techniques I did not realize I used before. I knew I masked my sorrow in anger. But I did not know I used anger to mask other negative emotions. Gads, I’m either happy or pissed. And lately, I’ve just been pissed and pissed off big time. Guess I’d rather be mad than sniveling about my bonehead sister. Man, I can’t wait till I’m done with this Earth Deal. Just wait till I find my sister in the spirit world, I’ll give her a piece of my mind I tell you. What a dork, drinking herself to death like that.
Well the little spaz is not dead yet, but she’s working on it as we speak. She’s been gone for quite some time now and the medical community where she is living is totally in the dark or they simply don’t care. This is like a chapter in the grand old tale, “Dumb and Dumber”. Gads, I already snatched her from the jaws of death already because of lack luster medical attention. And she almost died two more times before I got her on a regiment of nutrients and intravenous proteins and vitamins. The blood factory was simply not working.
When she went back to Virginia, her blood factory was just sputtering and and smoking. Though it was not up to speed, it began to increase the amount of red blood cells in her blood. The nutritional therapy increased the blood count .5 in a weeks time. That was a marked improvement from no production at all. We rounded our first lap in the race to save her life.
Now, she has not received any albumin, or the other specialized nutrients she was getting. And if it were not for the fact I loaded her up and vitamins and nutrients, she would already be back in the hospital. Sadly, her condition has deteriorated since now her skeletal structure is coming unglued. Yea gots to remember that the bones are a vital part of the blood factory. I groomed her diet to assist the bone marrow and other parts of blood production.
She is being bounced back and forth from one doctor to another. they refuse to share her blood test results with her. Something I really needed so I could assist her on the phone with nutrient requirements. The doctors don’t have a clue as to what to do with her or they simply don’t care. Why is that? But they almost killed her the last time, I don’t know why I think it changed now. So effectively, she went back to finish her death sentence.
Just spoke with her last night and she knows she is not in good shape these days. Well, it’s just as I predicted it to be. Hubby is blowing off her doctors visits and is angry that she is not well yet. At the very least her eyes are open now and she can see through the passive aggressive behavior as well as the control points he uses, you know, guilt, sadness and anger. He used her kids against her while she was here getting therapy. That was how he got her to go home.
I think I need the prayers now. In my mind, I have him sliced and diced and spread across Virginia and Tennessee or in a land fill in Jersey. I told sis that I did not know how I would react if she dies on us. She might have company since I am struggling with some deep dark emotions as we speak. But, I better burn the cedar and pray. I know two wrongs never make a right. Sort of frustrating though.
Been praying my ass off for several reasons. One, I truly want my sister to come out of this so I can torment her for the rest of he life. And two, I’m struggling with PTSD and coping with my anger. This whole deal with her Bo has me running in two directions. One one side I’m struggling with absolute faith because on the other side is Mr. Reactionary, the guy that takes care of biz. The combination of the two reeks havoc on my PTSD’s big time.
I know to have absolute faith when I pray and all. And I except the will of the Creator when my prayers are answered the Creator sees fit. I’m cool with it and know the drill of the “bigger picture” and all. Things happen for a reason, blab, blab, blab.
It’s that fight or flight deal in my head I do believe. The PTSD’s places me in fear then it triggers anger, then I find a solution and execute it. It’s as simple as that. But you must realize how volatile this can be for me. Why? Because I’ll do anything to accomplish my goal. It’s that badger in a corner syndrome. Though I’ve learned to control myself with my issues. I’m struggling with my urge to assist others like my sister. Does that make sense?
I have restraint as far as the tumult and struggles in my life, that took a while to achieve I might add. But when I see others that I love and care for struggling, I’ll do anything to help them, anything. I’m by far not a perfect being. I’ve come a long way from being a Wiseguy on the streets. But I still have a few minor issues that I cope with. One of which is anger management. The other is the urge to return a favor, vendetta. Capice? But that’s my struggle, fighting with myself.
Hmmmmmm, What’s it like being Native?
Struggling with the mortality of loved ones as they drop like flies from disease, dispare, drink and dope.
Talk about a rocky road to the Oscars holay!