HUMBUG /2006


It’s not that I hate Christmas or anything of that order. It’s the fact that this time of year is filled with memories I rather forget. I did not like my first encounter with this big fat white dude with a big beard. He snatched me from my mothers grasp and hoisted me up onto his lap. Oh boy, was I impressed. I pissed all over his Santa suit and he was not happy either. Instantly, he dumped me off of his lap and I was out of there, poof. I ran till my feet were bloody, well, till my ma caught up with me anyway.

Then there was the school play. Boy I hated that to. Gads, I was one of Santa’s little helpers. Since I was so tall, I looked like a spaz in tights and pointy ears. Geez, like I did not already have enough to deal with at this Nazi school, being the only brownie there as it was. But, we did get presents after the play. Only sad part was, I got a stinking puzzle of some ginger bread house. The other kids got toy jets, cars and sports goodies. So Christmas bites eh. Bites big time.

But I’ll drag my ass down to Oklahoma with a truck load of food and goodies for all my relations. I’ll make sure to bring wild game for the old timers since they do this deal after New Years where they need traditional foods. I’ll sit around telling stories about the “outside” to my younger relations. Their eyes will be wide with excitement as I go on about my adventures in Alaska with my Yup’ik and Inupiaq chums.

I’ll tell them about how I enjoyed blubber, walrus, whale and other sundries delights from the traditional people I know. I enjoyed this herb from Saint Lawrance Island as well as this bright orange seaweed that tasted like clams. I’ll try to describe how seal oil tasted and how I finally got a taste for it. I just could not get into the fermented seal though. Mt. McKinley, what a gal. She was hot eh.

They will get a kick out of how I watched as a flight for life helicopter dumped moose droppings into a bucket to a crowd of cheering adults in Talkeetna. I’ll tell them about the King Salmon, The Susitna River, Montana Creek and my Kenai Adventure. I’ll describe how I was almost swatted by a whale as me and a Skimo bud of mine went out into the bay for a closer look at one of them bad boys. Our boat was only half the size of his giant tail. I was close enough at 100 yards. But nooooooooooo, he had to get along side this monster of a mammal. It was kewl though.

I’ll also tell them about some camper on the Russian River who was mauled by a bear. Then he was fined an extra $150 because his camp was littered with trash that brought the bear around in the first place. I can imagine his surprise when he was laying in the hospital bed when the ranger walked in with a ticket for him….lol

Then I’ll tell them about my adventure at Millers landing and the halibut I caught. there were a bazillion ways to prepare it. My favorite was the brown sugar brine, man it was to die for. Homer was way kewl to, I caught my fill of silvers there, yum. Eagles were everywhere to. Way bitchen.

But no Alaska adventure would be complete without making mention of the “Mattress Guy”, Ted Sadtler. He owns several stores in Anchorage and Wasilla that specialize in mattresses. But it’s his commercials that got me going eh. He would do this jig or dance while holding up a hand full of cash. The guy had more than his fill of Kona I believe. But he was very funny and I know my crew in Oklahoma will get the biggest kick out of my rendition of him and his commercials.

It will truly be a joy to bring smiles to my relations as I tell of my merry misadventures. They will get a kick out of my stories and I will fill their minds with visions of the last frontier, Alaska. I will paint a picture within their imaginations. And you know something? This might be a very Merry Christmas after all.