THINGS TO DO WHEN I AM HANDED THE GOLDEN SCEPTER OF MODERATORSHIP. Hmmm, if only I had a brain.
1. Don’t let it go to my head. But should people kiss my ring or something? What about showering me with platinum trinkets to buy favor in my eyes? Guess the harem is out eh. I could always start a war or something. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’ll declare war on Long Beach California. I always hated the traffic on PCH during the summer. And I’ll bomb the crap out of Hermosa Beach. I used to work there you know.
2. I’ll go to K-Mart and buy a flowing robe made of the finest Dacron and Polyester. I will parade around in my penthouse suite (trailer house in Palmdale) while my servants throw rose peddles on the ground before me so my feet never touch the carpet.
3. Since I will be a man of privilege I will drink directly from the milk carton. No need for a cup because I am Moderator, I am excelsior, no longer a mere mortal. No longer will I be burdened with putting the toilet set down in the bathroom. I will leave it up to spite humanity, a pocks to you I say. Let the “little people” toil with the seat.
4. No longer will have to worry about my color coded underwear that decorates (yellow to the front, brown to the back) my palace floor fore I am Moderator. My socks will live in luxury as well. So the house will smell like a fine imported cheese or a deli. At least it will be royal. Wonder if Prince Charles “Lord of Infidelity” enjoys this extravagance. No telling what Camilla “Duchess of Liverpool” Bowels leave around. Oy Vey!
5. I will devote my energy to more fruitful goals like manufacturing Whoopie Cushions that emits a sound the resembles the words, “George Bush” and “Dick Cheney”. And design a cat box that looks like Donald Runsfeld, without his stupid taste in ties though. And what’s the deal with this white lipstick guys are wearing these days?
6. Did I tell you I’m writing naked? Why? Because I can fore I am Moderator. And I rule with an iron fist. It’s all about me. ME! ME! ME!
Now if only Carole will unlock the door of my room.
I was only kidding, really I was.
I’ll be good I promise.